Argh!

No, not like a pirate “arrrrgh, matey.” Argh, like – I’m so frustrated! Life has been very busy, but good, since my last post. But lately sad and/or frustrating things have been piling on one-by-one.

My new job has been great and I’m learning a ton. I’ve been mostly independent with patient care and am progressing more each day. There’s a “competency book” that my preceptors write in each shift and my educator reviews it to see if there’s anything I might need from them.  According to what they’ve been writing, it looks like I’m not progressing and like I’m missing things that I should be getting by now; I should be in phase 5, but what they’ve written makes it look like I’m only halfway through phase 3. In my opinion, I’m exactly where I should be. When I’m working, I’m always aware of what’s going on with my patient; I just don’t verbalize what’s in my head to my preceptors so their perception ends up being, “Stephani doesn’t get it.” My educator and preceptors have said that I’m very good with the patients and their families and that I have the “special ability” to connect with them. That’s great, but I need them to know I’m not just about the cute, gushy stuff and I’m very aware of the fact that my patients are extremely fragile and can turn for the worst at any moment. I’m just so frustrated because I thought I was excelling and because the way I don’t verbalize things is just a part of my reserved personality.

I have the same communication problem at home with my husband. An example is my wedding ring. I adore it and think it’s beautiful, so I don’t want to mess it up when I wear it to work. Shortly after getting married, I asked my husband for a plain, silver band to wear to work because “I didn’t want to mess up my wedding ring.” That’s what I told him – that I didn’t want to mess it up. I never got a silver band. Yesterday I was explaining my frustrating work situation to him, and after 655 days of marriage found out that had I explained more to him, he would’ve gladly gotten not a silver, but a white gold band for me to wear to work. He took “I don’t want to mess it up” as “The one you got me isn’t good enough.” If I had said, “At work, I’m constantly using my hands, washing them, putting on and taking off gloves, and hitting them on things. My ring is beautiful and I’m nervous about losing any of the diamonds,” he would’ve understood what was in my mind and that I am grateful for my wedding ring.

Why can’t I just pull this stuff out of myself so that people can perceive what I’m thinking?! It makes me want to scream!

Also, at work it’s been difficult to meet new people and my preceptor straight-up told me, “You might try smiling more.” Generally, I’m a happy, pleasant person who is friendly to everyone. However, my relaxed demeanor makes me appear agitated or unapproachable and, again, my personality is reserved. I don’t outwardly show sunshine, but if you tell me hello I’ll smile and say hello back then you’ll see that I AM approachable. A lot of the people at work have been there at least a year and have understandably formed friendships, but when they see a new face they should make a pronounced effort to at least introduce themselves. I’m so busy trying to learn everything and trying to pile CHANGING MY INGRAINED DEMEANOR just makes it So. Much. Harder.

The cherry on top is that my Paw Paw (maternal grandfather) has been battling colon cancer for almost four years and the doctors just gave him 3-6 months to live. His mind is completely intact, so he’s aware of his pain and embarassment and I’m sure he misses tending to his farm, which I think made him feel like he had purpose. My mommah and aunt (his daughters) just met with hospice the other day, which makes his situation completely real to me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in denial about his illness but knowing that his path is ending now saddens me greatly. I’ve cried every day since hearing that, and at work I just have to be strong, get my business done, and keep my patients safe.

These piles on my shoulders couldn’t be any harder to bear. Please pray for people to understand me and for my Paw Paw to be humble enough to agree to hospice and for the rest of his days to be calm and without pain.